Roger Andrews, of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, is 49 and has never had a sexual relationship with anyone except himself. He’s had intercourse just once—at age 48 with a surrogate partner he engaged to help him, in his words, “get over my terrible handicap and join the world.”

To look at Andrews you’d never imagine his dreadful secret, or the deep shame he has suffered because of it. He’s an attractive man, a successful computer engineer who has cordial dealings with coworkers and clients. He’s smart, articulate, and insightful, especially about the issue that makes him “a freak.” He’s well traveled, and has scuba dived all over the Caribbean. But he’s always been painfully shy, and never learned how to have an intimate relationship. “I never grew up in that way.”

Andrews is not alone. No studies have estimated the prevalence of virginity over age 30, but many of the nation’s sex therapists report a small, steady stream of older-virgin clients. During 23 years in practice, psychologist David Johnston, Ph.D., of San Jose, California, says he’s counseled 50 middle-aged virgins, in collaboration with surrogate partners. “One was 72. A few have been women. But the vast majority have been men in their thirties or forties.”